Found Words – Acting

September 24, 2010

‘Some years ago, when she was fighting anxiety over a play that she was doing in London, Mulligan received advice from a friend. “She said, ‘Trust your casting,’ ” Mulligan recalls. “And I think that works both ways. If you’ve got the job, you’re there for a reason. And if you haven’t got the job, it’s for a reason. They’re protecting you from something you’re not meant to do, that you’re not right for and that someone else can do better.

“And I have no doubt that people can do things better. But you just sort of ache for a part.”‘

-“After her breakout year, Carey Mulligan still garnering praise for acting,” The Washington Post

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Written Words – Big Boy

September 23, 2010

I’ve spent the roughly the past 15months trying to gather myself, take responsibility for where I was, and take action for where I wanted to go.  In essence, taking control of my life.  Very poetic in theory, at times very difficult in practice.

There are certain things that are/were very clear.  Go back to school, finish the degree, pay down debt.  Other things were slightly more complex.  To leave a good job that could be better post degree or to start anew, whether it be symbolic or genuine to make sure that school was the number one priority, and that I was working to live, and not living to work.  Is it okay to embark on a romantic relationship when my main focus must be school?

Each day brings with it more questions, some have answers, some have more questions.  The one thing I’ve taken so far is that I do want to be a “big boy”, that is to mean I want to be taken seriously.  What I’ve noticed in my brief stay on earth (lets be real, 25 years ain’t worth much in the grand scheme of things) is that the people taken seriously are the people that get things done.  Not necessarily big, earth shattering, accomplishments, but they consistently do what they need to do, what they say they’re going to do, what they feel they should do.

For me this finally hit home a few days ago when I had a visitor.  I looked around my room before they arrived and it hit me.  My room looked like that of a 15 year old boy.  Laundry all over the place, trash littered throughout, loose change placed on any desk, dresser, or available carpet.  Bathroom was disgusting, twin bed was a mess.  It was just my room, but it was in certain ways a microcosm of my life.  Was everything I needed there somewhere? Absolutely.  Was there any genuine danger? No.  But I couldn’t imagine what the reaction was going to be when my visitor arrived, genuine embarrassment set in.

She arrived, and laughed, remarking , “well you live with your parents, may as well act like it I guess”.  She didn’t hold it against me, it obviously didn’t phase her very much.  But it was the tipping point for me.

I’d spent 2 weeks traveling Europe.  I’d bought my own car.  Been paying for my own health insurance.  Whittling away at my debt.   Balancing work with school.  I was really close.  Having a “clean room” wasn’t going to finish the process, but it was the next step.  If I can’t keep the confines of a 15 by 12 ft room in order, then how can I expect myself to keep my ever evolving life in order?  There are so many things in life that are out of my control, that I need to be able to take responsibility of the things that I can, especially the simple ones.

So for me, this starts with my room.  I spent an entire day going through everything, throwing out trash, sorting through clothes and papers, organizing, folding, etc.  Then I bought furniture.  A queen bed bed, pillowtop actually, because my twin bed reminded me of the chaos of my freshman year in college.  A new dresser, larger, so that I had no excuse not to fit my relatively small collection of casual clothing.  And hangers, lots of hangers, because as a “Big Boy”, it was more important to have wrinkle free button downs and slacks, than it was to have a clean pair of Jordan’s.

It’s really a symbolic act.  One of many that I’ve performed over the recent past.  But it’s more the fact that I got it done. Which has been my biggest goal since deciding to go back to school.  To take control of what I can, accept the mistakes that I undoubtedly will make and take steps to correct them, and get done what I say I’m going to do.

The symbolic acts often precede the concrete accomplishments.  Whether that’s because of the inspiration, or hope, they provide I don’t know.  But at least for me it gives me something to point to, internally, and say “I finished what I started”


Written Words – The List

September 20, 2010

I know it shouldn’t bother me this much. I am, after all, almost twenty-four, in my “mid-twenties” — too old to need this kind of affirmation. I’ve had chances to shine.

I know who I am.

But every time I scan down the list, not breathing, and find my name at the bottom, lost in the tangle of Chorus Girl Number Ones and Guard Number Fours, I feel it just the same. I am eight, thirteen, sixteen, twenty, imagining the person I could have been on stage and knowing the image will live only in the back of my mind.

Every time, I feel the same gut-wrenching loss of possibility.

Then the moment’s over and I step into my master role: the girl nothing can touch. I smooth my face, disguise wiping my eyes with pushing my hair aside, smile broadly.

Deep inside, twenty-three-year-old me gives eight-year-old me a hug and tells her to keep believing, keep shining.

This is Chorus Girl Number Three, sending her love. Let’s rock this show.


Found Words – Boys Like Girls

September 20, 2010

“I’ve got a closet filled up to the brim with the ghosts of my past and my skeleton’s,  and I don’t know why you’d even try”

– Hero/Heroine


Found Words – John Henry Cardinal Newman

September 19, 2010

“God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments. Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about.”

-The Mission of My Life


Found Words/Found Music – Pink

September 19, 2010

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don’t care?

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight…

Glitter

//hat tip: RA


Found Words – Wired

September 17, 2010

“There is no evil so debased and amoral that you can’t team up with it in the sequel.”

-Lore Sjoberg, “Videogame Wisdom You Can Apply to Real Life”